The Funny Side Of Marriage

 

 

I have been having one of those weeks. You know, when you are feeling exhausted and a bit run down for no particular reason. I attribute it to a culmination of working and taking care of the house and kids and too many late nights.

So I did what I always do in such situations, I read. Reading for me is like therapy. It puts me in a better headspace.

Instead of reading one of my books, I decided to scour the internet for some funny accolades. I came across an article published on Funny Marriage jokes. It did the job and made me smile, helping my body release some needed feel-good hormones.

 The jokes, while funny, carried undertones of the truth that hit a bit too close to home for me.

For example:

Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?

Because they always have to repeat themselves.

My husband tells me that I talk too much. Asking, why do you have to say the same things over and over again? Well duh! Because you never heard me the first hundred times, I had to repeat myself.

 I have to ask, do you ever get frustrated when your spouse/partner blatantly disregards what you have to say?

I know that I find it annoying as hell. At the end of most “discussions”, I look like one of those cartoon characters with steam coming out of my ears. Regardless, I learned to let him have his way. 99.9% of the time, I end up being right. I get great joy in telling him ” I told you so.” However, on the rare occasion that he is right, I never get to forget it (insert eye roll here). 

”Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the ”Terms of use” on the internet. Eventually, you give up and say, ”I Agree.”

 

This one I just had to include:

I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn’t know her first name was ”Always.”

Ha, ha! That one was funny but true! 🙂

 

Ooh, I loved this one— ”I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.”

Yep, that one is a winner. When will some men ( note that ‘some men’ is in bold because I do not include all of the male species in my comment) realize that a man’s sexiness has little to do with his physical characteristics. I promise you when- a man does a load of laundry or cooks a meal or even MAKES THE BED in the mornings-the wife looks at him with new eyes. Also, it doesn’t hurt to share the T.V time and the remote. Watching a chick flick with her is a bonus. Tell her she is beautiful and loved. Every woman- no matter how they change physically; loves to feel beautiful. She wants to be heard, not shouted at or ignored. Open up more and share whatever you are going through with her. She is your partner. Treat her as such. Don’t lie. Wives are naturally born lie detectors. Do homework with the kids or take them outside to kick the ball around. It pleases a woman to know you have time for the children. Foreplay for a woman is emotional, not physical.

”Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.”

It is sad but true. Before marriage, you get candle-lit dinners, flowers, and jewelry. After marriage, all you get is, ”Sorry honey; it slipped my mind.” 

How can one forget the day they married the love of their lives, or the day said the love of their lives was born. These are important milestones, yet it just ”slipped their minds.” However, every statistic of Man United from the time of its conception till now is safely cataloged. I did not need Wikipedia for this information. I did a little test and asked my husband. Let’s, say I had to watch him behave like a child on Christmas morning, ready to give me over 100 years of history. I did what I always do -I pretended to listen and proceeded to ignore him for the remainder of the hour he spoke. Then I asked him to give me an idea of what he is getting me for our anniversary. His answer was, “Don’t worry, it’s a surprise that you will love. You only have to wait two more months to get it.”  

Our anniversary is next week. Case in point! 

 

 

I loved this one. It had me in stitches. It reminded me so much of my husband that it felt as though the joke was made just for him.

Seriously though, I am not the only one who feels this way. My girlfriends agree.

I can be sick as a dog, and I still have to do everything while he gets the sniffles and behaves like he is dying. He becomes a big baby. A true story that.

There’s a saying, ”During labor; the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever.”

MY FINAL THOUGHTS:

Jokes aside, I don’t mean to offend any men out there.  

Much respect to you guys. Wives can be difficult as well. Women are, without a doubt, wired differently.

There are five things that I feel marriage should have, commitment, love, respect, communication, and trust.  

My marriage is not perfect, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. Forgetting my anniversary is nothing compared to the support I get when it comes to my illness. My husband may forget my birthday, but he never forgets my hospital dates. We have to learn to take the good with the bad. Choose our battles wisely. Know when to walk away and know when to stand and fight. Marriage is hard work. Then again, nothing worthwhile ever came easy. 

” A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.”

 

Here are a few that had me really laughing. I hope it makes you laugh as well.

 

A married couple goes to a nightclub. There’s a man on the dance floor giving all the moves- moonwalking, backflipping, everything. The wife says to the husband, ”Do you know that man proposed to me 25 years ago; I turned him down,” The husband says, ”Looks like he is still celebrating!”

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ”Relatives of yours?” ”Yep,” the wife replied, ”in-laws.”

 

A boy asked his father, ”Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” The father thought for a while and replied, ”I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

 

Even though a blizzard was raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. ”Your wife must like rolls,” he said. ”How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked. ”Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”

 

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing things around the house that he used to do.

 When the examination is over, he says, ”Okay, Doctor. In plain English- what’s wrong with me?” 

 ”Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, ”you’re just lazy.”  

The man nods. ”Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. ”Careful,” he cries. ”Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt! The wife turns and asks, ”What is wrong with you?” The husband calmly replies, ”I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

 

‘How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the refrigerator.

 

At our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of what matters to each other. ”For example, ” he began, pointing to my husband, David, ”do you know your wife’s favorite flower?” David answered, ”Pillsbury All-Purpose.”

 

While bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor, my wife walked into the room behind me. ”See anything you like?” I asked suggestively. ”Yeah,” she said. ”You doing housework.”